• Eddie

Cauliflower Mash That Doesn’t Suck

This one is for all the low carb lovers in the house, for all the Keto-bros (and bro-ettes). If you’re going to do a fake version of mashed potatoes because your fad diet calls suggests it, the least you can do is get it right. I’ve had your cauliflower mash…and it tastes nothing like mashed potatoes; it tastes like somebody farted in your mouth. Here’s how you fix that.


1 head (not clove) of roasted garlic (slice in half across the equator, a little salt and olive oil, wrap in foil and roast for 1 hr at 350)

2 heads of cauliflower, cut into florets

¼ C milk (if you’re vegan, skip this and double up on the cooking water. FFS don’t use hemp milk or some crap like that)

¼ C reserved cooking water

Punch of kosher salt

Punch of black pepper 

¼ C shredded aged cheddar or Daiya cheddar


  1. Get a huge pot of salty water boiling.

  2. Cook the fuck out of the cauliflower florets for 12 minutes. Reserve some of the cooking water. Drain in a colander.

  3. In the large bowl of a food processor, combine half of the cauliflower, squeeze the garlic out, add salt and pepper. Puree that until it looks like mashed potatoes.

  4. Add the other half of the cauliflower, milk, and cheese. Puree until the it looks like mashed potatoes. Taste some and adjust the seasoning. It should be aggressively peppered.

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© 2018 Eddie McNamara